Thursday, September 13, 2012
So I want to take a minute to explain to everyone something that it vital in dealing with me. Yes, I can be irrational. Yes, I have made bad judgements and decisions in the past. Yes, I am fucked up in the head to the point where noone has a true diagnosis for what is wrong with me. But here's the deal: I have a child now. I have grown up more in the past year that I EVER have. I have the ability to make decisions, and weigh the consequences. If I decide to do something, it is for my benefit, and my daughter's benefit. I don't need someone to come along, shoot me down, disbelieve me when I am telling them something that is FACTUAL, and then ridicule me for my emotions and feelings. I don't need people doubting me and my decisions. I don't need people telling my how to parent my child. I don't need people telling me that I am being ridiculous and irrational in my emotions. I tell myself enough of the critical things. From now on, I'm just going to live my life. Noone is going to know my plans for the next day, minus school and going to teach because I need to borrow a car. Noone is going to know if I decide to leave the house with a friend or on my own. I am done telling people how I feel, minus my counselor. From now on, I am simply a shell, here to live solely for my daughter and as a robot for everyone else. I'm done feeling the way I do. Period. Doubt me, judge me, hate me, love me, show concern for me, or be a dick to me-it doesn't matter to me any longer. Also, I have an emotional disorder. I am SICK. I don't need anyone to tell me that "I don't understand" because in reality, YOU don't understand. I am CONSTANTLY going up and down in my emotions like a roller coaster. There are days when I can be up all night and not be tired the next day. There are days when all I want to do is sleep. Sometimes I am energetic, happy, and feel like I can conquer the world. The next moment, literally, I am depressive, angry, hurt, and scarred easily. All day long, my head will go from being supportive and encouraging of myself, to being my father screaming and yelling at me and telling me every little teeny tiny thing that is wrong with me. I constantly feel alone in the world even when people are around me and YES I have (before Klaira) had times when I wondered what life would be like should I have never been born. I feel like I am so fucked up in the head that I am beyond help. I feel like sometimes, there is nowhere to go and noone to turn to. I feel like I am drowning in quicksand and noone is around for miles to help pull me out. On the other hand, there are times when I feel amazing. I am actually "happy." I feel as high as a kite. I feel like I can do anything and be anything that I have ever wanted. I am supportive of myself, I am encouraging of myself, and I don't feel alone anymore. I think something that many people do not realize, is how much of a struggle it is just for me to get up and take care of myself and my daughter energy-wise and emotionally. I can't just wake up, go about my day, and be done with it later. I have to literally sit there and motivate myself for sometimes hours, just to unload the dishwasher. All of my energy goes into Klaira. All of my happiness goes into Klaira. I am doing everything I can for her and I am doing it all on my own. I am the only parent she has. People don't understand the toll that takes on me. This is the last time I will try and explain myself, to anyone, because I am just done feeling like when I try and explain myself to someone, they don't care or understand. IT IS NOT EASY NOR IS IT NORMAL FOR ME TO BE LIKE ANY OF YOU. But you know what? I'm trying. That's the best I can do.