Friday, August 31, 2012
And just when you think you are recovering, you are knocked right back into the ocean in which you were drowning not ten seconds earlier.......
So this is going to be short but not so sweet. To the friends that have stuck by my side recently, thank you. To everyone turning their backs on me and talking behind my back and stuff? Fuck you. Seriously. I know it's hard to understand but I suffer from a medically diagnosed mental disorder. They don't even know what it is, so as for right now I get to be classified as "mood disorder other than known." That means THEY DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. This is a time in which I need EVERYONE in my life to be supportive. Right now, I feel completely alone. I feel completely abandoned. I feel like there is no point in trying to heal, and that I should just leave things as they have always been, because I finally take the steps to get healthy, and everyone close to me shits all over me. My mom is constantly bitching at me because I'm not good enough at home, because I have no motivation to clean up around the house unless it is for Klaira. The man I thought was in love with me as much as I was with him, that I thought was willing to stick by my side and be the one person I could run to and jump in his arms and hear how everything is going to be okay, wakes up one day and doesn't love me anymore, and says he doesn't even know why. I can't get out of bed in the morning anymore without wondering who is going to abandon me next. I feel like a complete burden to everyone, because they have to worry about what mood I'm going to be in next, or what I might say that THEY assume is going to be asshole-ish. That is all just THE PRESENT. That doesn't include my past, which consists of EVERY SINGLE MAN THAT SHOULD HAVE LOVED ME TURNING ON ME minus my grandfather and my brother and my male cousins and uncles. Oh yeah and the dogs, because you know THEY aren't bred to be loving no matter what you are like at all. I don't even know how to properly express my feelings and emotions because I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY. So a little piece of advice: to everyone who is being a complete dick lately and has left me to rot in the dust, keep in mind that I'M SICK AND I NEED SOMEONE TO BE HERE TO HELP ME. I. NEED. SUPPORT. For now, that is all. Off to spend time with my daughter, because she doesn't feel good and she actually needs me in her life. No witty goodbye here, just a great big fuck you!! to everyone who has turned their backs on me. What's the point in healing anymore?!?!?!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
"And thus a new chapter begins in this roller coaster of a life we live. We all battle for that moment of sunshine, yet live so shrouded in darkness to get there. Stitches and glue hold together the wounds and shattered pieces. But if one ruptures it hurts worse than before. They too will mend themselves in time. There is no easy path, if there were then the victories and small things we struggle to accomplish would mean nothing. Comfort is found in the most unusual of places, and you will find yours. Here is all the hope that you will find your light, the way out. You've had a hell of a year, but it sounds to be picking up for you. All the best to you and yours." It's ironic how we manage to get comments like this when we need them the most. You know..little signs and things of that nature. I had a great counseling session today, and we talked about alot of things and how my treatment plan will look and what my goals are. She let me vent a bit because yesterday was an extremely hard anxiety day for me, and we helped hit the nail on the head by discovering that one of my main triggers is being so hard on myself-"overcritical" as she put it. I left counseling and it was then that Chris, the man I have spent the last five months with, told me he no longer loves me and doesn't want to be with me. Seriously, why the fuck can't I be loved? First my father, then a number of boys. What's next? I'm finding it really difficult to even want to put in effort to brush myself off and start looking into myself. I'm so sick and tired of hurting that it isn't even funny. I hurt because I can't stand myself, I hurt because I have "an undiagnosable mood disorder aka the group we put people into when we don't have a specific mood disorder diagnosis, since you're not bipolar and don't have borderline personality disorder but have signs of more than just depression," and I hurt because I feel completely unlovable and am now left to wonder what exactly it is that I keep doing wrong. Is this some kind of negative karmatic build-up from a past life, or what the hell?? What is so wrong with me that I can't manage to find someone willing to be my rock unless my insurance company PAYS them to do it? I know I'm not exactly the best person in the world, and I know I am extremely flawed (yes brain I hear you constantly and yes I'm tired of the guilt-trips)but seriously? Okay. Deep breath, notice environment, step back into the present. Right now, I am sitting here completely letting go, wondering if I should even actually publish this since it is a complete pity-party or not. My daughter is asleep in her crib. I am here alone otherwise. Today is Tuesday, August 28, 2012. My name is...okay now I'm feeling like Katniss from The Hunger Games in the third book Mockingjay. Gahhhhhhhh. I suppose I will end this here. Might do a film review later, just to focus on something other than...well, myself. We will see. Later dudes. Thanks for reading my bitch session. P.S. Best text I have had all day, from a wonderful friend that I would kill to hug right now: "I know, I say the same thing pretty regularly but hey at somepoint in life the hurt has to stop and eventually everyone meets the right person. I guess love's like a battle, it takes alot of hurt before you find someone that won't hurt you."
Monday, August 27, 2012
Where to begin.... It has been a very, very long time since I decided to come here and let go of all that has been in my mind. Within that time, I have come to learn many lessons and experience many things. I guess this calls for a summary: 10 Things I Have Recently Learned 1.) Trust your instincts. 2.) No man is worth crying over, or accepting pain he is dealing to you. 3.) A baby is the most wonderful, beautiful blessing the gods can give someone. Ever. 4.) That baby will make you set goals and experience things with the type of bravery and determination you never thought you had within yourself. 5.) In all the world, there is always one place you belong-but you never realize it until it smacks you in the face and screams at you. 6.) Dance cures all. Period. 7.) Everyone needs a niche that they can turn to in order to center themselves and focus on the world. 8.) Depression and anxiety are equally..well, a bitch. 9.) Any battle worth fighting is a battle worth losing a few times in order to stand up and go all melee in order to win. 10.) In your times of greatest need, people you never thought would turn their backs on you, will. You have to learn to lean on the person standing there holding you up, or you will push them too far and they will walk away from you. Sometimes, they come back; if they do, you better do your best to keep them there. My Life In A Nutshell Since I Last Blogged: I allowed a man to move across the country for me. I wound up supporting HIM, instead of the other way around, or even equally dealt across the table. I got pregnant, after making a horrible, horrible decision while "in love." Target fired me for being pregnant, because I called out after puking all night and being dehydrated. Baby Klaira Lee was born on February 25, 2012. On March 3, 2012 I kicked her father out of my home because he would not help me with her and would not hold a job-COULD NOT hold a job, for the VERY brief time he had one. In the beginning of April, he finally left-then quickly stopped contacting me, therefore turning his back on my daughter. Yes-MY daughter. Anyways, towards the end of March 2012 I met the man that would prove to me that love truly did exist, when he came to have dinner with my mom, Klaira, sister and I unexpectedly. From there, we became best friends; in fact, that night we began to get to know each other better via text and e-mail. Since then, he has been my rock and my foundation. (Sure, that only makes sense to me maybe, but..eh.) April 2012 my parents divorced and my father moved out. I started school (not disclosing the location here, for professional reasons)to study to become an X-Ray Technologist. That's right: I do things best in the dark. ;] I also began to fall into a deep anxiety and depression, both of which are still affecting me horribly today-more than anyone in the entire world realizes, because I don't talk about things much. I don't know how to. Last week, I went to my first appointment with a counselor. She is recommending group therapy, one-on-one therapy, EMDR sessions, and medications. Really, that is supposed to make me feel better? Think I left last week honestly feeling like a complete..well, fuck-up. Who really needs ALL of that treatment, just to control their moods?! Tomorrow is the first official session (one-on-one). When I left last week, she really seemed eager and almost excited to be able to help me. It made me feel like someone, somewhere, might actually be able to not only help me through my "bullshit" and "drama" but UNDERSTAND me for once-something that I rarely feel anymore. On that note: Today In A Nutshell This morning, I started a new class. My teacher is..well, strict to say the least. This class consists of very boring material. I am very glad that I have a couple of really good friends in that class with me, that I met a few classes ago. I actually feel as if I belong when I'm at school, and I'm thankful every day for the amount of positivity that they help create. I can just be myself while there, and that is a big thing for me. Spent the rest of the day driving my mom's friend from his work to get his car, then ran by the grocery store, then came home. It dawned on me while driving how little of a life I really have outside of school and teaching dance (oh yeah-never gonna stop that one) and my beautiful daughter. I truly need to get out more-but that requires money, which I don't have, and a car, which I no longer have either. I was so excited to go to Target on Friday to buy freaking diapers that it was ridiculous. *insert facepalm action here* So, it's 9:31pm, and time for me to leave this blog for my newfound love called Pinterest, because it's been a few days and I have lots of pinning to do-like a boss, of course. Recital is in June; my music is due within the next two weeks (preferably one). The only thing I need is a song appropriate for 6-8 year old hip-hop kids. The theme? Circus. Yeah, that's right. HOW THE HELL???? Lmao. Thankfully, I know people. (Thank you Ryda <3) Later dudes. P.S. Thinking of doing some film reviews here and there. Thoughts? Any reviews you want to hear? <3 P.S.S. For you, Pavlock: *sexy stuff* <3