Saturday, October 13, 2012
So I haven't had the chance to sit down and blog in a few weeks. Meh, life happens. Today begins that "film review" journey I mentioned once before. I know it was requested that I do a film review on the love of my life Zombieland, so I will do that one next. Martyrs has been in my brain nagging me, so...let's start with the beginning.
Martyrs (2008): French film
(from IMDB.com): A young woman's quest for revenge against the people who kidnapped and tormented her as a child leads her and a friend, who is also a victim of child abuse, on a terrifying journey into a living hell of depravity.
The film starts off by showing a girl running in only a torn shirt and underwear-bloody, beaten and hair cut short, out of what seems to be an industrial park. This opening scene alone grabbed my mind and refused to let go-why is she running? Why is she bloody? What happened to her? What's going on?!?! We are shown an interview next which describes the torture and aftermath of her experience. Home videos come next, showing the girl, Lucy, growing up in an orphanage. It is during this that we are introduced to Anna, who is clearly depicted as her best friend. Lucy is depicted as possibly schitzophrenic, as she has wounds and claims she did not do it to herself-yet we are shown haunted-house-like things that will leave you wondering what is, in fact, the truth.
"15 years later." We are now introduced to a seemingly normal family. Their day begins with a conversation about work and school and life in general as they prepare and eat breakfast together. This is where the true terror begins. To give proper detail is to give the end of the film, so....DISCLAIMER: if you have not already seen this film and want to, STOP READING HERE. Lol.
The doorbell rings. Lucy is standing there. Dad opens the door. Lucy blows a hole in him with a shotgun. No words said, no questions asked. The first time I ever saw this film, not knowing this was coming, even I was rattled-and that is a hard accomplishment for any filmmaker to achieve with me. As someone who has seen it all, heard it all, and thought of it all (yes I should have been a filmmaker, you are correct) there isn't much that I can't predict or at least sit through. Anyways, it is here that the children begin to well..freak out, not knowing what happened to their dad until their mother goes to check and is immediately shot as well. Lucy then turns on the children-and yes, it does show her shooting the children. She then uses their phone to call Anna, who has clearly helped Lucy plan the entire massacre. She says she is on her way to the home to get Lucy-but this is where the film becomes interesting again.
As Lucy sits and waits for Anna, we are given the haunting-like happenings again. Again, I found myself asking: is that Lucy's mind, or is this a real haunting???? After a beautifully constructed demon-versus-girl scene, Anna finally shows up. They begin to clean up the aftermath of the murders and Anna is clearly disturbed as Lucy justifies the killings by describing things they did to her during her kidnapping. We move on to another disturbing-demon versus Lucy scene, then flashback scenes of what happened to Lucy, and then we find that Anna has a heart-or so we think for a minute, at least. She discovers that Gabrielle, the mother, isn't actually dead, and attempts to save her, completely against Lucy's wishes. As Anna is attempting to bring Gabrielle to the woods, where she said she would leave her to save her own life, Lucy rounds a corner and "finishes off" Gabrielle. Afterward, Lucy goes insane (okay. no pun intended?) on Anna, and makes it CLEAR that she feels that Anna didn't ever believe Lucy. After Lucy goes off on her tangent, the audience is finally shown that Lucy is, in fact, schitzophrenic as she has what will be her final episode, at the end of which Lucy kills herself by slitting her own throat. (This is where my medical-student brain goes, THAT IS ACTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE, THIS SCENE SUCKS!! Yay science LOL.)
This is where the film becomes-for lack of better terms-COMPLETELY AMAZING!!!! Anna mourns Lucy, and calls her mother-all of this still at the home of the slaughtered family. It is made clear to the audience that Anna's mother is, quite frankly, a bitch. She goes off on Anna about being in love with a woman (assumed to be Lucy). During this phone call, Anna begins to hear a sound within a wall of the home. She opens a cabinet (or maybe a TV stand?) and then travels down the revealed corridor, to what should be the basement of the home but is, instead, what appears to actually be a gallery. There are pictures on the walls of people being tortured and killed, and Anna (stupidly, if you ask me) continues down the hallway to find a ladder and a set of keys that lead further downward underground. She drops the ladder down the second corridor and after (being an idiot and) crawling down, finds a woman that has a metal plate covering her eyes, as well as her pelvic area, and chains on her arms and legs. The woman is clearly starving to death, as she is literally a walking skeleton with skin. She unchains the woman and brings her upstairs, where she then tries to calm and bathe the woman she just "rescued."
Let's skip to the rest of the good stuff shall we? Quick summary: Anna gets kidnapped down into the "gallery" by people who enter the home (they appear to be some sort of agents) and question her about Lucy and her slaughtering. After they are finished burying (very disrespectfully, mind you) the bodies of the family, Lucy and the girl Anna was trying to help (they killed the girl upon entrance), she is briefed by an older woman (who can be assumed to be "the owner" of this entire operation), not only about Lucy, but about creating victims.
"....Lucy's just a victim...like all of the others. It is so easy to create a victim, young lady, so easy. You lock someone in a room with no light; soon, they begin to suffer. Then you feed that suffering. Slowly. Methodically. Systematically, coldly....for a long time. You then witness your subject going through several mental states. Then mental trauma starts to break them....and that small, easily opened crack....makes them see. Things that don't exist in our world...." "People ignore the existance of suffering. That's how our world sees it....yet, everyone's a victim.....martyrs are very rare. A true martyr is a special person. They are exceptional beings; they withstand paralyzing pain, young lady; they can survive total deprivation. They can carry all the sins of the world. It's their sacrifice. They trascend themselves completely, do you understand? They are transfigured." Insert epic list of martyrs here. Insert photographs of dying martyrs here. "Look at her eyes. She was still alive."
Woman leaves. Insert horrible, horrible torture here. (We're talking, this was difficult for even myself to watch at some points. Unlike most films filled with gore...I didn't laugh ONE TIME throughout this film. That says A LOT.) They beat her. They stave her. They cut off her hair. They beat and starve her more. they shave her head. They beat her so badly that she stops fighting back and becomes completely submissive.
"You'll be alright. Your suffering is almost over. There's only one more stage.....the last one. You'll be alright. You won't have to protect yourself ever again. It's okay." Insert surgeon here. Insert creepy surgical room here. Insert being strapped and locked in to the table here. Insert flipping of table here. Now comes probably the worst part of the film in its entireity: insert skinning of Anna here. Yes, that's right. They take ALL of her skin, except the skin on her face. No anesthesia, nothing to put her to sleep. (AGAIN: medical student brain is screaming SHE WOULD HAVE PASSED OUT FROM THE PAIN BY NOW AND DIED BECAUSE HER HEART GAVE OUT BECAUSE IT WAS TOO MUCH TO BEAR!!!!) They leave her strapped in to the table, flip it so she is in a kneeling position, wash up, and go about daily life like nothing ever happened. Woman screams. Phone call is made. "Just now, when I went down to feed her. Maam I couldn't be more certain!! I have never seen such an expression. She's let go; she's completely let go!!!! Her face is like something....maam it's like..her eyes!!!! I swear she no longer sees anything around her!!!! Yes, she's still alive. I'm CERTAIN she is!!!!"
Get ready to be pissed-becase I was!!!! Here is where we enter the older woman from before-the "owner" of the operation. She goes downstairs and looks at Anna. "Have you seen it?! Have you seen the other world?!" Anna whispers something to her. Do we hear it? NOPE!! Meeting is called to the house. This is where, for the first time, we are able to see everyone behind this operation-which, during a speech, is revealed to be a 17 year long operation. It is revealed she is the fourth to reach that stage, and the first to report whatever it is that she saw. "Her state of ecstacy lasted two hours and 15 minutes. This was not a near-death experience. There's no doubt that her martyrdom was authentic." We are told that "Anna is STILL alive, though no longer communicating." Man goes upstairs to get the owner to come down to speak to everyone about what she has learned. Man is speaking to her through the door, and we are watching the woman take off her false eyelashes and her hair extension (yes, just one). She sits down on the tub, asks if he has ever tried to imagine the other world, and then says "keep doubting" as she shoots herself in the head. (Of course this is shown too). We are given the definition of "martyr" and then we see Anna in a catatonic state downstairs. We are shown the home movies from the beginning of the film again as the credits roll.
So there is your detailed synopsis. I threw in a couple of opinions but here is my overall opinion:
This film is fucking amazing. Yes that language was necessary. You go into this film expecting an epic gorefest of murder and revenge, and then the real film begins. The religious undertone in this film-be it Christian or something else, I have yet to really figure that out-not that I have tried....-shapes not only this film, but your mentality. This film is a true piece of ART. You will be left with an amazing view on life, death, trials and tribulations, and even your neighbor. ("Does that family have someone in the basement going through something similar????") You will be left emotional at worst and angry, saddened, horrified, and confused, among other things, at best. Was it worth the hour and a half it lasted? ABSOLUTELY. This film is a must-see and believe me: you will *not* be sorry for spending your time on it. Five stars, people. FIVE STARS. Go see it. NOW!! =]
Thursday, September 13, 2012
So I want to take a minute to explain to everyone something that it vital in dealing with me. Yes, I can be irrational. Yes, I have made bad judgements and decisions in the past. Yes, I am fucked up in the head to the point where noone has a true diagnosis for what is wrong with me. But here's the deal: I have a child now. I have grown up more in the past year that I EVER have. I have the ability to make decisions, and weigh the consequences. If I decide to do something, it is for my benefit, and my daughter's benefit. I don't need someone to come along, shoot me down, disbelieve me when I am telling them something that is FACTUAL, and then ridicule me for my emotions and feelings. I don't need people doubting me and my decisions. I don't need people telling my how to parent my child. I don't need people telling me that I am being ridiculous and irrational in my emotions. I tell myself enough of the critical things. From now on, I'm just going to live my life. Noone is going to know my plans for the next day, minus school and going to teach because I need to borrow a car. Noone is going to know if I decide to leave the house with a friend or on my own. I am done telling people how I feel, minus my counselor. From now on, I am simply a shell, here to live solely for my daughter and as a robot for everyone else. I'm done feeling the way I do. Period. Doubt me, judge me, hate me, love me, show concern for me, or be a dick to me-it doesn't matter to me any longer. Also, I have an emotional disorder. I am SICK. I don't need anyone to tell me that "I don't understand" because in reality, YOU don't understand. I am CONSTANTLY going up and down in my emotions like a roller coaster. There are days when I can be up all night and not be tired the next day. There are days when all I want to do is sleep. Sometimes I am energetic, happy, and feel like I can conquer the world. The next moment, literally, I am depressive, angry, hurt, and scarred easily. All day long, my head will go from being supportive and encouraging of myself, to being my father screaming and yelling at me and telling me every little teeny tiny thing that is wrong with me. I constantly feel alone in the world even when people are around me and YES I have (before Klaira) had times when I wondered what life would be like should I have never been born. I feel like I am so fucked up in the head that I am beyond help. I feel like sometimes, there is nowhere to go and noone to turn to. I feel like I am drowning in quicksand and noone is around for miles to help pull me out. On the other hand, there are times when I feel amazing. I am actually "happy." I feel as high as a kite. I feel like I can do anything and be anything that I have ever wanted. I am supportive of myself, I am encouraging of myself, and I don't feel alone anymore. I think something that many people do not realize, is how much of a struggle it is just for me to get up and take care of myself and my daughter energy-wise and emotionally. I can't just wake up, go about my day, and be done with it later. I have to literally sit there and motivate myself for sometimes hours, just to unload the dishwasher. All of my energy goes into Klaira. All of my happiness goes into Klaira. I am doing everything I can for her and I am doing it all on my own. I am the only parent she has. People don't understand the toll that takes on me. This is the last time I will try and explain myself, to anyone, because I am just done feeling like when I try and explain myself to someone, they don't care or understand. IT IS NOT EASY NOR IS IT NORMAL FOR ME TO BE LIKE ANY OF YOU. But you know what? I'm trying. That's the best I can do.
Friday, August 31, 2012
And just when you think you are recovering, you are knocked right back into the ocean in which you were drowning not ten seconds earlier.......
So this is going to be short but not so sweet. To the friends that have stuck by my side recently, thank you. To everyone turning their backs on me and talking behind my back and stuff? Fuck you. Seriously. I know it's hard to understand but I suffer from a medically diagnosed mental disorder. They don't even know what it is, so as for right now I get to be classified as "mood disorder other than known." That means THEY DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. This is a time in which I need EVERYONE in my life to be supportive. Right now, I feel completely alone. I feel completely abandoned. I feel like there is no point in trying to heal, and that I should just leave things as they have always been, because I finally take the steps to get healthy, and everyone close to me shits all over me. My mom is constantly bitching at me because I'm not good enough at home, because I have no motivation to clean up around the house unless it is for Klaira. The man I thought was in love with me as much as I was with him, that I thought was willing to stick by my side and be the one person I could run to and jump in his arms and hear how everything is going to be okay, wakes up one day and doesn't love me anymore, and says he doesn't even know why. I can't get out of bed in the morning anymore without wondering who is going to abandon me next. I feel like a complete burden to everyone, because they have to worry about what mood I'm going to be in next, or what I might say that THEY assume is going to be asshole-ish. That is all just THE PRESENT. That doesn't include my past, which consists of EVERY SINGLE MAN THAT SHOULD HAVE LOVED ME TURNING ON ME minus my grandfather and my brother and my male cousins and uncles. Oh yeah and the dogs, because you know THEY aren't bred to be loving no matter what you are like at all. I don't even know how to properly express my feelings and emotions because I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY. So a little piece of advice: to everyone who is being a complete dick lately and has left me to rot in the dust, keep in mind that I'M SICK AND I NEED SOMEONE TO BE HERE TO HELP ME. I. NEED. SUPPORT. For now, that is all. Off to spend time with my daughter, because she doesn't feel good and she actually needs me in her life. No witty goodbye here, just a great big fuck you!! to everyone who has turned their backs on me. What's the point in healing anymore?!?!?!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
"And thus a new chapter begins in this roller coaster of a life we live. We all battle for that moment of sunshine, yet live so shrouded in darkness to get there. Stitches and glue hold together the wounds and shattered pieces. But if one ruptures it hurts worse than before. They too will mend themselves in time. There is no easy path, if there were then the victories and small things we struggle to accomplish would mean nothing. Comfort is found in the most unusual of places, and you will find yours. Here is all the hope that you will find your light, the way out. You've had a hell of a year, but it sounds to be picking up for you. All the best to you and yours." It's ironic how we manage to get comments like this when we need them the most. You know..little signs and things of that nature. I had a great counseling session today, and we talked about alot of things and how my treatment plan will look and what my goals are. She let me vent a bit because yesterday was an extremely hard anxiety day for me, and we helped hit the nail on the head by discovering that one of my main triggers is being so hard on myself-"overcritical" as she put it. I left counseling and it was then that Chris, the man I have spent the last five months with, told me he no longer loves me and doesn't want to be with me. Seriously, why the fuck can't I be loved? First my father, then a number of boys. What's next? I'm finding it really difficult to even want to put in effort to brush myself off and start looking into myself. I'm so sick and tired of hurting that it isn't even funny. I hurt because I can't stand myself, I hurt because I have "an undiagnosable mood disorder aka the group we put people into when we don't have a specific mood disorder diagnosis, since you're not bipolar and don't have borderline personality disorder but have signs of more than just depression," and I hurt because I feel completely unlovable and am now left to wonder what exactly it is that I keep doing wrong. Is this some kind of negative karmatic build-up from a past life, or what the hell?? What is so wrong with me that I can't manage to find someone willing to be my rock unless my insurance company PAYS them to do it? I know I'm not exactly the best person in the world, and I know I am extremely flawed (yes brain I hear you constantly and yes I'm tired of the guilt-trips)but seriously? Okay. Deep breath, notice environment, step back into the present. Right now, I am sitting here completely letting go, wondering if I should even actually publish this since it is a complete pity-party or not. My daughter is asleep in her crib. I am here alone otherwise. Today is Tuesday, August 28, 2012. My name is...okay now I'm feeling like Katniss from The Hunger Games in the third book Mockingjay. Gahhhhhhhh. I suppose I will end this here. Might do a film review later, just to focus on something other than...well, myself. We will see. Later dudes. Thanks for reading my bitch session. P.S. Best text I have had all day, from a wonderful friend that I would kill to hug right now: "I know, I say the same thing pretty regularly but hey at somepoint in life the hurt has to stop and eventually everyone meets the right person. I guess love's like a battle, it takes alot of hurt before you find someone that won't hurt you."
Monday, August 27, 2012
Where to begin.... It has been a very, very long time since I decided to come here and let go of all that has been in my mind. Within that time, I have come to learn many lessons and experience many things. I guess this calls for a summary: 10 Things I Have Recently Learned 1.) Trust your instincts. 2.) No man is worth crying over, or accepting pain he is dealing to you. 3.) A baby is the most wonderful, beautiful blessing the gods can give someone. Ever. 4.) That baby will make you set goals and experience things with the type of bravery and determination you never thought you had within yourself. 5.) In all the world, there is always one place you belong-but you never realize it until it smacks you in the face and screams at you. 6.) Dance cures all. Period. 7.) Everyone needs a niche that they can turn to in order to center themselves and focus on the world. 8.) Depression and anxiety are equally..well, a bitch. 9.) Any battle worth fighting is a battle worth losing a few times in order to stand up and go all melee in order to win. 10.) In your times of greatest need, people you never thought would turn their backs on you, will. You have to learn to lean on the person standing there holding you up, or you will push them too far and they will walk away from you. Sometimes, they come back; if they do, you better do your best to keep them there. My Life In A Nutshell Since I Last Blogged: I allowed a man to move across the country for me. I wound up supporting HIM, instead of the other way around, or even equally dealt across the table. I got pregnant, after making a horrible, horrible decision while "in love." Target fired me for being pregnant, because I called out after puking all night and being dehydrated. Baby Klaira Lee was born on February 25, 2012. On March 3, 2012 I kicked her father out of my home because he would not help me with her and would not hold a job-COULD NOT hold a job, for the VERY brief time he had one. In the beginning of April, he finally left-then quickly stopped contacting me, therefore turning his back on my daughter. Yes-MY daughter. Anyways, towards the end of March 2012 I met the man that would prove to me that love truly did exist, when he came to have dinner with my mom, Klaira, sister and I unexpectedly. From there, we became best friends; in fact, that night we began to get to know each other better via text and e-mail. Since then, he has been my rock and my foundation. (Sure, that only makes sense to me maybe, but..eh.) April 2012 my parents divorced and my father moved out. I started school (not disclosing the location here, for professional reasons)to study to become an X-Ray Technologist. That's right: I do things best in the dark. ;] I also began to fall into a deep anxiety and depression, both of which are still affecting me horribly today-more than anyone in the entire world realizes, because I don't talk about things much. I don't know how to. Last week, I went to my first appointment with a counselor. She is recommending group therapy, one-on-one therapy, EMDR sessions, and medications. Really, that is supposed to make me feel better? Think I left last week honestly feeling like a complete..well, fuck-up. Who really needs ALL of that treatment, just to control their moods?! Tomorrow is the first official session (one-on-one). When I left last week, she really seemed eager and almost excited to be able to help me. It made me feel like someone, somewhere, might actually be able to not only help me through my "bullshit" and "drama" but UNDERSTAND me for once-something that I rarely feel anymore. On that note: Today In A Nutshell This morning, I started a new class. My teacher is..well, strict to say the least. This class consists of very boring material. I am very glad that I have a couple of really good friends in that class with me, that I met a few classes ago. I actually feel as if I belong when I'm at school, and I'm thankful every day for the amount of positivity that they help create. I can just be myself while there, and that is a big thing for me. Spent the rest of the day driving my mom's friend from his work to get his car, then ran by the grocery store, then came home. It dawned on me while driving how little of a life I really have outside of school and teaching dance (oh yeah-never gonna stop that one) and my beautiful daughter. I truly need to get out more-but that requires money, which I don't have, and a car, which I no longer have either. I was so excited to go to Target on Friday to buy freaking diapers that it was ridiculous. *insert facepalm action here* So, it's 9:31pm, and time for me to leave this blog for my newfound love called Pinterest, because it's been a few days and I have lots of pinning to do-like a boss, of course. Recital is in June; my music is due within the next two weeks (preferably one). The only thing I need is a song appropriate for 6-8 year old hip-hop kids. The theme? Circus. Yeah, that's right. HOW THE HELL???? Lmao. Thankfully, I know people. (Thank you Ryda <3) Later dudes. P.S. Thinking of doing some film reviews here and there. Thoughts? Any reviews you want to hear? <3 P.S.S. For you, Pavlock: *sexy stuff* <3