Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Well..so begins yet another new chapter in my roller coaster of fail...or something like that.
"And thus a new chapter begins in this roller coaster of a life we live. We all battle for that moment of sunshine, yet live so shrouded in darkness to get there. Stitches and glue hold together the wounds and shattered pieces. But if one ruptures it hurts worse than before. They too will mend themselves in time. There is no easy path, if there were then the victories and small things we struggle to accomplish would mean nothing. Comfort is found in the most unusual of places, and you will find yours. Here is all the hope that you will find your light, the way out. You've had a hell of a year, but it sounds to be picking up for you. All the best to you and yours." It's ironic how we manage to get comments like this when we need them the most. You know..little signs and things of that nature. I had a great counseling session today, and we talked about alot of things and how my treatment plan will look and what my goals are. She let me vent a bit because yesterday was an extremely hard anxiety day for me, and we helped hit the nail on the head by discovering that one of my main triggers is being so hard on myself-"overcritical" as she put it. I left counseling and it was then that Chris, the man I have spent the last five months with, told me he no longer loves me and doesn't want to be with me. Seriously, why the fuck can't I be loved? First my father, then a number of boys. What's next? I'm finding it really difficult to even want to put in effort to brush myself off and start looking into myself. I'm so sick and tired of hurting that it isn't even funny. I hurt because I can't stand myself, I hurt because I have "an undiagnosable mood disorder aka the group we put people into when we don't have a specific mood disorder diagnosis, since you're not bipolar and don't have borderline personality disorder but have signs of more than just depression," and I hurt because I feel completely unlovable and am now left to wonder what exactly it is that I keep doing wrong. Is this some kind of negative karmatic build-up from a past life, or what the hell?? What is so wrong with me that I can't manage to find someone willing to be my rock unless my insurance company PAYS them to do it? I know I'm not exactly the best person in the world, and I know I am extremely flawed (yes brain I hear you constantly and yes I'm tired of the guilt-trips)but seriously? Okay. Deep breath, notice environment, step back into the present. Right now, I am sitting here completely letting go, wondering if I should even actually publish this since it is a complete pity-party or not. My daughter is asleep in her crib. I am here alone otherwise. Today is Tuesday, August 28, 2012. My name is...okay now I'm feeling like Katniss from The Hunger Games in the third book Mockingjay. Gahhhhhhhh. I suppose I will end this here. Might do a film review later, just to focus on something other than...well, myself. We will see. Later dudes. Thanks for reading my bitch session. P.S. Best text I have had all day, from a wonderful friend that I would kill to hug right now: "I know, I say the same thing pretty regularly but hey at somepoint in life the hurt has to stop and eventually everyone meets the right person. I guess love's like a battle, it takes alot of hurt before you find someone that won't hurt you."