In Memory

What a week this has been. =\

I lost a close friend this past weekend. Her name was Carmen, and she was beautiful inside and out.

We met on the forum that the Paranormal Research Society has on their website. We commented on a few posts together; we private messaged each other; and then we began to speak on AIM. We spoke about everything you can think of, and then some. When I was having a rough time and needed a shoulder, I'd turn to her, and she would do the same for me.

They say that online friends aren't the same as "IRL" friends. I find that to be..well, pure bullshit. I've found a lot of my closest friends online, and to me, they are as important as family.

Carmen, you were one of the greatest influences of my life, and for that I thank you. I looked up to you while we spent our time together; I will continue to do that for forever. I loved you like a sister, and always will. Thank you for the opportunity you gave me to know you and become close with you. This week has not been easy-everything reminds me of you, and for some reason, I can't get the tears to stop coming. I know they will soon..and I look forward to that, because I know you wouldn't want me to be sad about your crossing over. I miss you hunny. I love you. <3

And so the world turned, and things were left undiscovered.......

Hmm...where to start another blog post.......this is highly overdue. Sorry loves.


So, I've been doing some research on this thing called The Zeitgeist Movement. I find it to be incredibly beautiful. It is about a reformation not only of this country, but the world as a whole. I encourage everyone reading this to go to this link, and watch both of the films involved: http://zeitgeistmovie.com/ For those interested I can also link you to the home site, in which you can become active in the forums, community, etc. I very much encourage this movement and encourage you all to pass it forward. This world is in need of a major change, and until everyone steps up, it will not happen. This is me, taking charge. <3

Dance classes are going well. I'm very much proud of my kids. They are all hard workers, and talented, and beautiful souls. I very much look forward to the rest of this season, and the ability to watch them all grow as dancers as well as individuals. <3

Been spending alot of time with friends lately, many of whom I haven't had the chance to spend time with in forever. I'm starting to get close to one of them, and while I'm just enjoying him now, I'm anxious to see what the future holds..though, I'm terrified that it holds more pain. I suppose we will see what happens.

Enough for now, it is late and I am tired, and tomorrow is going to be a long day. I hope everyone is doing well. <3

A fast update with a promise for a better one upon my awakening.......

So, after linking a new (but dear =]) friend here, I skimmed through the first postings I had created upon the formation of this blog.

Note to the world: please disregard anything you may see about Chrix, his family, etc.

I kindly thank you, for not allowing the lies to be put in your mind as they were into mine.


Here is the promise to bring you a positive update when I wake..been up all night speaking to a wonderful man. =] Now, I need sleep.......

And so comes the end of a day.......

So, while I have no specific topics to discuss tonight, I figured I would come and write a bit anyways. Today has been a day off of the dance jobs, and a day of reflection. I've made an awful lot of realizations today-some good, others bad-and can proudly say that I have not only been told that I have grown as a spirit, but I can feel it as well.

When I think back to being hurt so many times in my past, the spirit inside of me takes flight. I'm starting to learn to hang on less to pain and more to love. After all, it is love that guides us and heals us and allows us to grow. It is that need to take flight that is what will ensure my grace and ability to conquer this lifetime.

I've rekindled an old friendship, and tonight we had the first "deep" discussion. This friend is someone that I have always looked up to, and has always been there for me to pick me up and brush me off and push me onward again, at my own pace. You know who you are, and for that I thank you. I only hope that one day I will be able to do the same for you-not to see you hurting inside, but to show you the care that you have shown me.

Throughout the day I've also given thought to these friends that "cannot trust anyone anymore" because of something one person did to them. I've been in that position, and I can honestly say that while pushing others away is not the thing you SHOULD do, I support those of you that are doing so. I'll be right here waiting to be picked back up again like a bad habit, and this time I just pray that you have grown in order to avoid that leave of absence again. This is your one and only opportunity to turn your back on me and know that when you try and face me again I will still be standing there.

Today is the first baby step in moving forward from my own pain. Note to self: I'm so very proud of you. We can do this.

Oh, what a crazy life we lead.......

Well, followers, I do realize it has been quite some time since I have been here.

Things have changed so drastically it is not even funny. Found out that the man that I was head over heels in love with, and believed was my soulmate, was actually a lie. His name, our relationship, his past, everything...was a lie. Needless to say, I have spent the past two months attempting to reestablish the life I had prior to the relationship, and also learning an important lesson: trusting my instincts like I used to before he came around.

I have since landed two teaching gigs for dance: at one studio I am teaching a senior hip-hop class, ages 13 and onward, on Monday nights. It is in Chandler, which is a bit of a drive, however, I have taught the kids before and they are too wonderful to turn down, as is the studio owner, Tina. It really, truly is just like a family there, and I'm very proud to say I am now a permanent member. The other job I have is in a studio in Peoria, which is about a half hour away. I am teaching pre-dance, jazz, and hip-hop there as well, once the schedule fills up and classes have more than one student in them. It's normal for summer to be slow-parents worry more about their children beginning school again, which of course is, and should be, more important than dance. I know..funny that I say that now, when for years and years I would attempt to argue my way out of going to school just to stay home and dance all day. Ironic.

Aside from that, I have been spending time with my closest loved ones, and making brand new friends as well. I've begun a new life, and am happy to say that surrounding myself with the people and things that I love the most have helped me to not keel over. While there are still moments when I want to withdraw from the world, and drown in self-pity, I have instead turned myself around and..okay, I'll admit, will distract myself until the feelings pass and I have switched gears.

As for the rest of everything, that's about it. I should finally be around to updating more so, now that things have calmed back down. I hope everyone reading this is doing well also.

This is the most perfect story for a returning blog post.......

So guys, it has been a *long* few weeks. I've had to deal with alot of growing-not only my own, but my family's as well. My brother has graduated high school *YAY!!* and began his adult life. The relatives have gone home, and I've taken some reflection time on myself and am starting a journey of healing. Oh!! I've started a 365 project-you take one picture and upload it per day. Mine has to do with memories from each day..if interested you can find my link here: http://365project.org/ninjettekarma07/365 . You don't have to join to see my pictures. ;]

I posted this up as a note on my Facebook page but thought it would be beautiful here as well, for those of you that don't have Facebook but read through my blog. <3 So, here you are-my returning post, with a new promise to update as much as I can..things are changing, so it won't be every day, but I promise to try my best. <3

"So, I was going to put this in my sacred journal, the one I write my deepest thoughts in-but it is too beautiful to keep hidden away from the world, so here I am writing in this place instead.

I went to the library today while Chrix and Mikey were going to the mall. I forgot my library card at home, but figured I could convince the man working the desk to give me a "get out of jail free" card-no worries baby, he's gay and his boyfriend sits next to him at the same desk. Lol. I only took the two books off of the reservation shelf-because I'm a nerd like that. I walked to the desk, the man said he saw me check out books almost every other day (sadly, that is not a lie) and said it wasn't a problem, but next time not to forget my library card because he might not be working and I'd be..well, screwed. After checking out my books, I walked outside to head back to my car. There is usually at least one homeless man hanging outside of the library-not asking for change or bothering anyone, but just because they have nowhere else to go in this city. It's sad, really, and I hope one day I will be able to purchase and donate a room to those in need of a place to stay.

Anyways, as I was walking out to my car, I noticed that there weren't any around..strange, I thought, but I kept going to my car. I've made sure to bring along an extra water or two for anyone that looks thirsty, because well..this is Phoenix, AZ and the temperature can reach 122 in the middle of the summer. Homeless or not, and regardless of their background, they deserve the chance to survive.

There is a park that is just down the road from the library-maybe a five minute drive. It has statues in it of random people, and I've been there before. I'm working on a 365 project currently, where you take a picture a day, and inside of the park is a statue that completely fascinates me and warms my heart. I thought it would be a beautiful representation of a beautiful day, so I brought along my camera for a few quick pictures on the way back here.

I parked my car across the street and after safely crossing (always use the crosswalks folks) began my descent into the park. It was a beautiful day today-my temperature gauge in my car read 99 degrees Fahrenheit, but while walking around it definitely did not seem that hot. There is a circular path that takes you through the park, so I decided just to follow that path. Boy was I surprised at the end of it.......

I was walking around, snapping pictures here and there of beautiful things...check out the folder I'll be making in a few if you want to see them..I'll probably title it something that has to do with this story, because it is well deserving. Anyways, as I reached the end of the pathway, I noticed a homeless man sitting in the shade by the statue I had originally came to photograph. He wasn't directly in front of it, but as I stopped to take a picture, he smiled at me-so I smiled back. I always do, because smiles go a long way, whether you notice that or not. He waved me over, and luckily I had an unopened water bottle with me..I grabbed it as a "just in case" thing, since I hadn't used it at the library door like I usually do. As I approached him, he smiled again, and the first thing I noticed was the look in his eyes. You just know pain and suffering when you see it-I don't care how cold-hearted of a person you are, there is always the look that bothers you right down to your core when you know someone has had a rough past. I didn't sit down like he wanted..you can never be too careful...but as I got closer and closer I began to have a feeling of peace, one that I haven't felt in awhile, especially around strange men. The first words out of his mouth were "please, don't call the cops on me for asking you to come over, I'm not a bad person and I'm not here to hurt you." I just smiled and said "Sir, I won't call the cops on you. I like meeting new people and their social status does not bother me." I handed him the water bottle, and told him it was unopened but that I didn't need it. He took it and drank about half of it in one gulp, lol, then looked back up at me. His next words, I will never forget:

"I don't know why I've stopped you, and I don't even know who you are. I live here in this park and I saw you walked and just received this sudden urge to speak with you. I'm not a psychic or anything, and I really don't want to freak you out-but I just need, really need, to tell you that you are going to be okay, that everything is going to be okay. You have a man that loves you deeply, inside of his heart, and he is going to be the strength you need-so let him do that for you. Don't be stubborn. I just need to tell you that you're beautiful inside and out....please don't call the police on me, because I don't mean it in a harassing way, I just felt the need to tell you. I won't bother you any more..thank you for the water and I hope to see you around sometime, with your love, and children."

It was then that I shook his hand and thanked him. He asked my name, and I told him, and I asked his in return, and he told me too. I told him that his words meant more to me than he will ever understand. He said "God bless you", and I said "Thank you, I wish the same for you as well." It was then that I explained I was in a hurry to come home, and told him that I hoped to see him around again-and then that I hoped I never saw him again, because he deserved a wonderful place to live, with wonderful things. I think we both had a moment where we were teary-eyed and I took that moment to bow away.

You see, sometimes, you ask for a sign. Many times, you miss that sign. The times you need that sign the most, are the times when it is a direct smack to the face. I'm not Christian, in fact I believe in Gods for everything, and I'm not trying to say he was an angel, or Godsent, or anything like that. However....I did a lot of asking and realizing today, with Chrix's help, on many many things. I realized it is time to let go-that I can no longer let my past rule my life. I realized there is a journey of growth that I need to step foot on, and that while it will be painful, I am not alone-that my soulmate is beside me, and together we will beat down my past and overcome it. I realized that I have been weak-no longer will I allow the small things to bother me, nor will I allow fear to hold me back.

Today, I shook my signs hand. His name was Joe, and he lives in the park near the library. I have never met or seen him before...and I have the most wonderful feeling that I will never see him again."

Dear world...or at least those that are following me.......

I'm still alive!! I promise. Sorry for the lack of updates and the broken promise...things have been crazy this month. Tomorrow is my little brother's high school graduation and we have family in town. Before they got here, things were still crazy behind-the-scenes. I promise to come back and update regularly as soooooooooooon as all of the insanity is over, lol.